May 1st, 2024

    Before life humbled me hard in my spiritual journey I got a bit fixated on the valence of being someone who should love all beings and poop rainbows. I was kidding myself because that’s who I wanted to be, but not who I was. It was merely an idea, a concept forged on the basis of desperation.

     I thought that if I tried to be this person, if I just accepted a logical conclusion about all beings then it would be ok. I had no idea this was a subconscious attempt to not confront my case. If I could use deductive reasoning to explain away my problems (and everyone else’s) then who cares about all this reactive mind stuff?

    It all looked good on paper until the “reactive mind stuff” kept proving me wrong. The truth is that you can say “I know,” you can be analytically certain of what’s fact and what isn’t, and you can try to solve your case by putting the puzzle pieces together yourself, but if that’s the case, you should ask yourself why you’re in Scientology, as I had to ask myself.

    Was I in it to prove nothing was wrong with me? Was I in it to just make myself right with no intention of at least being willing to confront that I’m not always right? Could I actually conclude that maybe I, just like everyone else had overts too and blind spots as a result? Could I allow myself to be at effect? To lose control for just a moment? To allow someone else to peer into the deepest darkest corners of my mind?

 The point is that in order to really free yourself, you can’t just have the concept of what freedom would look like. That’s just a picture, and the free person is just a valence, an alter-is to escape this very real reality. No, in order to free yourself, you need to do the time, convince the jury, play nice with your fellow inmates, do what the prison guards need -basically do the hard work necessary.

 In our regard as PCs, we need to not kid ourselves, drop this valence and accept we don’t know everything there is to know about who we are, why would we be here talking to the auditor if we did? Healing is messy and uncomfortable and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but I promise, if you are able to confront your case, you’ll be so much better for it.

My best advice: Stop trying to go around it, it’s a lot harder than to go through it. The only way out is through.