November 24th, 2023
Each and every one of our journey's is different and personal. If everything in your life is in perfect order and going where you want; DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
The problem is only apparent when there is a gap between how you would like to feel and how you feel. Or where you would want to go and where you end up. Who you would want to be and who you are.
I came upon this journey less than 2 years ago because I wanted answers as to why I wasn't having what I wanted. Or why my body wasn't letting me have what my mind desired. Through processing I have answered so many questions about myself, and given myself answers.
So grade 4...
Umm how do I describe a win like this really? It does make you feel safe, for one. It revealed a tool to me that I wasn't using. The cushion. Haha. Really what it is, is that nothing is as solid as it looks anymore. Barriers are not the cement walls we make them to be, they are closed doors with doorknobs instead. Or even just archways that signify 'welcome'.
What I mean is what you think is IMPOSSIBLE becomes POSSIBLE. It's mainly a matter of understanding a subject. (Life, the mind, the Man.)
The processing really peels off the 'when' and the 'why' I had developed certain patterns that I would rely on even when they no longer served me. I have shed layers of myself that weren't even who I wanted to be. I have again freed my being by giving it the chance to self-determinism.
There exists a mechanism whereby one uses a 'reaction' or 'behaviour' to justify their inability to be or so or have something. It makes them right and others wrong. It is done naturally throughout one's life.
Let's begin with this: How do you resolve a personality trait about yourself that you don't like or are not proud of?
This processing first helps you identify it, how you use it, how you repeat it.
Luckily I even witnessed how I avoid putting myself in a situation where I would use it. I mean it influences all your choices. So, I WASN'T behaving badly and everything looked great because I was running from a certain situation. That clearly answers why I was having difficulties with a certain area in my life.
Now, what's next, finding where it began. I don't think this can be avoided because it becomes quite obvious that this mechanism is NOT adapted to the present time situation or your life for that matter.
I think, to relieve yourself from a fixed reaction, it requires revisiting its creation, acknowledging it and letting it go. What a frightening thing to do.
I mean you are letting go of a personality trait. You are losing a piece of your identification right? NO. You are freeing yourself of undesirable compulsion really. You are returning to yourself the ability to perceive objectively a situation without immediate reaction. Who's in control now?
When you get to the point where something unchangeable previously can now change. You have mastered life once again a little more.
I would like to extend a special thanks to my auditor.
I have had the luck to have an auditor who acted like a music conductor to my symphony of sobs and screams. He elegantly navigated through the clouds that led to the freedom from my restraints. How easy it has been to express even the most bizarre of ideas and embarrassing secrets. I always feel that the most catastrophic ideas are welcomed with empathy and respect.
Thank you Jonathan for this pure professionalism and care.