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My big win, or wins, as it would turn out, came yesterday during auditing the O/W section of Life Repair. During a particularly emotionally pernicious section regarding a major ARC-break, or falling out, that occurred between myself and a few other people--my only friends who were pro-Scientology--I had several cogs.
The central one involved postulates and counter-postulates. While making what was for all intents and purposes a postulate--though at the time, I regarded it as a mystical process--to “will” the girl in this friend group who was behaving suppressively to “go take a walk,” one or two of the people I enlisted for help had counter-postulates and counter-intentions. Since one--or both, as it turns out--are very hostile towards Scientology and my involvement therein, we had decided to work towards our agreed-upon goal of solving the interpersonal problem via what was coined under our only mutual reality: a “banishing spell.” (I did not know they were so antagonistic at this time).
Ultimately, what I concluded in a serene moment of clarity was that through my unbeknownst practice with an SP (and therefore the other being a PTS), I had inadvertently and permanently banished myself from the friend group (and thus from my de jure involvement with Scientology for a longer time period than what might have been otherwise). This resulted in the dissolution of the group and respective ARC breaks with each of them, and their ARC breaks with Scientology itself. Eventually, this included my long-ish time Indy Scientologist friend (he has not become anti-Scientology but has fallen out with me), someone I regarded as rather close.
I also concluded that this postulate backfiring had fundamentally caused another girl I knew--my former compatriot--to fall out of love with the whole thing and blow to the “other side.” Until my cog, this had caused me a degree of bewilderment. It was a sincere “ouch” moment, but at the end of this realization, it was something I could just admire and even laugh at. At the end of the day, it was her decision, but I had lined up the necessary conditions by my poor judgement of the characters I asked for help from and affiliated with.
This win has allowed me to more closely inspect my past interactions, my reactions to them, and the people I choose to associate with. There is a good degree of parasitic behavior from people around me, and I have become far more able to connect the dots regarding cause and effect and identify suppression. Don’t get me wrong; I still have a lot to learn. That said, I’ve learned a lot from just this win, and all that has led up to it. I’m becoming more adept at detecting covert hostility without becoming an utter cynic, something I thought was the black-and-white "whole of the law" prior.
The second major cog occurred during the same kind of process but on the subject of my mother. While in this part of the session, I had thought “Oy vey! We’re never gonna get through this one.”, I blew a lot of charge on the cognition that we have had so many problems with communication and such a tumultuous relationship because I felt constantly invalidated by her. I began to exteriorize. The auditor looked at me and asked: “Did something occur?” Despite being an open and proud Scientologist in a safe and respected space, as I had every time before, I had a hard time relaying non-euphemistically that I had exteriorized. This was because, even with my auditor, I was self-conscious despite feeling comfortable around him.
After assessing it, I realized these two things were related. This has been the consistent theme throughout my entire life since quite literally day one: invalidation. That’s why I have a hard time, and that’s why I’m so uninterruptedly enturbulated. I have dealt with a lot of invalidation.
This is an amazingly big win for me. I realized that I don’t need to be ashamed of being myself and being open and honest. I say what I mean, and mean what I say but I’m beginning to get that even all my politeness-driven (or otherwise) white lies are not necessary, I don’t need everyone to like me, and I have been at-effect for a long time. I need to put on my own oxygen mask before I help anyone else with theirs. Being real is self-care, and self-care is necessary to my survival.
I’ve had my share of epiphanies, but nothing quite like the ones I’ve had since beginning my relatively short involvement with Independent Scientology. As one who was never in the "Church," there’s a degree of skepticism that rolls around my proverbial head from time-to-time. But for one: I’m approaching this adventure with a totally open mind, and for two: the reason I went from quasi-critical watcher to jubilant Scientologist is that the tech proves itself and demands nothing be taken merely on faith.
So, is that religion, is that philosophy, or is that truth? If you ask me, it is "D. all of the above." I look forward to the rest of this road with AOGP.