I’m not even sure where to start with my big win but, I’ll do my best to explain it. Growing up in conditions that weren’t pleasant, I had gotten used to the idea that life would be a struggle. My mind was so focused on survival that I never learned to “play.” When LRH said we play games, and life is a game, I resented it, I even challenged it. Eventually I got the concept on paper but I didn’t fully get it until now.
I had achieved much, I was able to finally have the things I wanted and yet, still, I was not happy. I looked around me and all I saw was people from every status, race and religion searching for something, something that seemed they thought they were lacking, and I saw that in myself. I then started to resent the things I worked for, and the things that made up “Lisa” - I resented being in this solid MEST world and even going into nature which always used to fix my down moods, didn’t help - it was as if I was there and could see everything but I couldn’t feel anything. Honestly, I felt trapped with no way out.
This week after the process that “veil” over my feelings finally lifted. I realized that there’s nothing wrong with the game, but that I just wasn’t playing, at all. I was trying so desperately to survive, even though I had so much already, that I forgot to play. A corny quote comes to mind: “it’s not the destination, it’s all about the journey” and I guess that’s how I feel. I wanted to be a Scientologist to have an end-goal, OT-whatever, and that was the problem. I was getting through my courses and auditing FOR my auditor and course supervisor. Eventually even every word I was clearing felt other-determined instead of self-determined. I wasn’t playing, I was trying to do what was expected, even though both my auditor and course supervisor never once insinuated such a thing. I was trying to survive, instead of playing the game.
So the gist of this is that after this repair, I don’t feel that trapped feeling, in fact, I feel free. I feel like the things I need to do are things worth doing, self-determinedly. Colours are brighter, laughing is easier, loving is natural, and for the first time in a really long time, the tears I cried were tears of pure happiness. Life is beautiful, despite what a percentage would want us to think.
Thank you to the biggest being I know, Jonathan Burke, for getting me through this, and thank you Michael, my course supervisor, for your incredible patience. Eddie, my dear friend who has gotten me through some pretty dark days, thank you as well. And lastly, my CS, Pat. You guys are amazing and make an awesome team.
Much love, Lisa