I’ve been covertly fighting something I thought I’d never win against and finally, today was the day. If I was actually on the meter, guaranteed it would have shown how much I blew down on the realization. I’ve had at least two very suppressive individuals in my life, one was a family member, the other was a partner. I disconnected from both and yet their presence in my mind lingered on. I would get intrusive thoughts of these individuals and I just wanted to be free of them, but no matter what, I never reached that place of peace and certainty. This was of course, difficult in my marriage regarding the ex partner, not because Jon was jealous of these thoughts - he knew that these were UNWANTED and not of a 2D nature, but because I felt guilty for even having them while married and several years after the breakup with this person. The family member was also a big problem because of the whole "we take on the role of a suppressive" - I had valence issues when keyed-in.

Today Jon and I were discussing why this happens, and why I can’t seem to get rid of the intrusive thoughts of both of these individuals. I will say that for a while, I bought into the psychiatric understanding of this type of issue, which is that one develops a "trauma bond." That’s not really untrue, however, it doesn’t give one any more realizations and doesn’t free you of anything. Jon had an idea and had me read and apply the bottom of a confidential to Clears bulletin. As soon as I realized what I was doing, and WHY, I started laughing and I think I went exterior - the unbelievable amount of pressure I felt released was just, incredible. All this time, I had been trying to share a reality with people I simply cannot! I had also said "reality is relative" and I knew very well about the tone scale, but that’s the funny thing, you can know the data but your case prevents you from understanding it until you’re ready to.

This was a huge win for me for more than one reason. First, because I no longer desire a shared reality with these people. I had at some point gone into agreement that their reality should be my reality. It’s as if I had Stockholm syndrome, except where the "location" was, wasn’t physical, but mental. I would even have guilt if I did something I knew they wouldn’t approve of, including thinking for myself, and this was long after disconnection. I felt like they knew better than I and that any self-determined action on my part was an overt. I felt like as a partner, and as a younger female family member, I was subservient to these people, and anyone who reminded me of those people. My biggest position I was trying to hold, was winning - I just couldn’t win with them - I could not get them to see that what they were doing was painful to me, but I also couldn’t leave until one day I did, but that postulate, that position, it stuck, of wanting to win, of wanting to have an agreed-upon reality.

Having an agreed-upon reality demands one either be as sane as the other, or as insane as the other, or as similarly as possible. We can’t have a perfect duplicate, but as close as possible is what’s important for any healthy relationship. The problem with these individuals is that at first, they come across as having an agreed-upon reality. They’ll show you admiration, tell you that you are important or powerful or whatever, and only show you their social tone. You develop YOUR SIDE of that shared reality, where the other person is only interested in their own vested interests and in their own reality -which is always a low-toned degraded reality filled with criticisms. In my case, it was "she’s a woman, she’s fat, she’s a bitch" etc. What eventually happens is that those realities take on the apparency of becoming your own, but a thetan never truly gives up, so it becomes your postulate to do whatever it takes to prove yourself to those people. For anything to persist, there needs to be a lie.

In my case, the lie was that I needed these people’s acceptance and validation. Another was that I shared an agreed-upon reality with them.

And finally, that I had to "fix" the things I did wrong in some way to gain their affinity again (makes one really understand how you can only go PTS to someone you have overts against). Overall, this realization has freed up so much of my attention, so much of my beingness (I can just BE now), and I feel like I will withhold less from life. So many of their considerations became my own because the only way to stay safe was to try and think like they did, and that too will go, I’m sure.

I can’t express just how damaging it can be to find yourself going into agreement with this kind of trap and these kinds of people. However, as powerful as they think they are, times that by a million on how much more powerful the tech is. The longer I am in this game, the more I realize why there are those who are actively trying to suppress the technology of L. Ron Hubbard. We are playing a big game here, it’s us against the reactive mind, and Scientology as both our weapon and shield. Let’s win, but also keep in mind that sometimes a shared reality is impossible, and that’s ok. It’s better to selectively give our tones to those that deserve it, and those that aren’t indefinitely lost causes.

Thank you so so much to my incredible partner in life, my best friend, my husband and auditor, Jonathan Burke. You are a man in a million and you are a BIG being. You’re one of the most intelligent and most beautiful beings I know, and yet you remain so humble. I’m so glad to share this journey with you this lifetime. ❤️

To L. Ron Hubbard, thank you eternally Mr. Hubbard. The good guys might finish last, but they always make it - I will make sure of it.